• [about Slip 'n Slides] "These were a lot of fun, 'til you hit a bunch of rocks."
• "This was enough to drive everyone crazy." (does this) "That got a standing ovation back in the eighties."
• "OH, CARROT! OH, Otto's gonna eat one of those later!"
• "Oh shit, Turbo-Teen's back! ... Oh no!"
• [ 𝆕 "You gotta stay away from power lines!" 𝆕 ] "... yeah, okay, that'a a good tip."
• "What is this couch?! What is this fuckin' AI generated couch that he's sitting on?"
• "... why did they have to show the car speeding? Go fast into, what I would imagine is a wall? Like, that kinda came out of nowhere for me. Fuck!"
• "I would be so good at this. Take a sip of chocolate milk and do like a little WOAH-I-CAN-FEEL-THIS-ALL-THE-WAY-THROUGH-MY-BONES and just walk out the door. I'd' be pretty good at that, I think. DOG."
• [after the dog food commercial] (reading chat) "'Dude, we can see your mouth watering.'" ... "I mean, it does look pretty fuckin' delicious, doesn't it though?"
• "Companies used to eviscerate each other, by name."
• [watching Velveeta commercial] "Orange juice? That is THICK -- oh, that's not orange juice."
• "Good thing we can avoid this catastrophic event by McDonalds having like fifty thousand locations. McDonalds protects us."
• "Nothing fucking funny even happened, it's just a car just slowly zoomed in on! And it's enough to make me laugh?! Why do I think cars are so funny? I don't know. I think it's because a lot of car companies treat cars like they're ALIVE."
• "Rock music!"
• [another dog food commercial plays] "God damn it!"
• [another car commercial ends] "Thank god it didn't move."
• [after Grotto Beast commercial] (reading chat) "'Why didn't you turn into a car during the commercial?'"
• "And by the way, what a scary stunt person!"
• [during snickers ice cream bar commercial] "... and I would only think about how bad I was being after. You know what I mean? I would eat two or three in a row."
• "Orange juice is one of my favorite things in the world. And if it's availible to me, it will be gone."
• [telling a story about buying Martinelli's apple juice for his girlfriend] "I bought this for her because I wanted to surprise her... and I drank it before she could drink it." ... "She found the bottle in the recycling and I was like, 'I'm so sorry! It was supposed to be a surprise but it was too delicious!"
• "Everybody in this car is screaming, you understand?"
• "Woah! Holy shit! This guy's a fucking drunk!"
• "I don't think it's fair to give only one of your workers the Super Mario mushroom."
• "... So Total hates Grape Nuts. Total is then the enemy of, what was the other one? They all hate each other. They're all in a circle of just hating each other."
• "I'm just gonna say it. Barbie's stuff ... that shit was amazing."
• "Everybody loves Kirby."
• "OH, THE CARROT! That's right, what about the carrot? Alright, it's time to give Otto a carrot."
• "Carrot! See? Good dog!"

• "What happens when 5,000 dogs are all running at you at the same time?"
• "I would be careful if I were you, chat... you're on thin ice!"
• [honk] "That scared me!"
• "Why is there a bunch of chewed up bubble gum stuffed down his shirt?"
• "Should there just be bean bag chairs for the slot machines?"
• "The only people that are coming in here are hookers and trailer trash!"
• "I can't believe I beat the shit out of that guy with a hammer."
• "There's just one giant porn room!"
• "ERNIE RAGSHALE! 'Ahhh, that porn sucked! I'm gonna get some cheap drinks! See ya next week... Nardo!'"
• "The firefighters are just... (laughing) the janitors with brooms!"
• "This floor is just prostitutes... with delegates." ... "Oh my god, this guy just ordered like five prostitutes."
• "I'm not gonna beat up this old lady up with a fucking hammer."
• "Okay, porn, still going. Half off porn night."
• "There's still puke on the ground, right in front of the food!"
• "Janitors and hookers! Okay."
• "Any of you hookers know how to bowl?"
• "Doorman, alright, get out there! ... he's a pianist! What?! I thought he was a doorman, I thought he was like a hotel doorman! We don't even have a piano!"
• "Okay, we cleaned up our act. Now let's fire half the janitors."
• "Beat this rhino's ass, please."
• ["Fire Fighters have been called to Pasta Italino..."] "Ooh! There's a fire!" ... "Why is it only the chef that's on fire?!"
• "A Cheetah at Blackjack... interesting. What is with the puking?!"
• "There's another fire at Pasta Italiano..."
• "That's the cowboy convention guy. He's sprinting to go to the sex show."
• "It's the cowboys! The cowboys are causing trouble!"
• "My nose ain't that big."
• "Double kitchen!"
• "Dumbass couch, get outta here!"
• "'Hey by the way bouncer, have you ever seen that movie--'" [camera pans over to dead npc] "Oh, no, oh, hold on... Oh no, the cops! Okay, no more shooting people in the basement!"
• "Okay, can we get back to fuckin' life here?"
• "Why was the bowling alley on fire?!" [pans over to the kitchen on fire]
• "He's gonna burn it down again!" [security guard runs over and shoots chef in the back] [hires a new chef]
• "Ah, fuck, I'm firing everybody and they're all getting scared and sad!"
• "We've got Dennis Kirby, one of the most talented chefs in all of... what is this place called again? SlamminSlots and Lanes."
• "Why is the fucking casino on fire AGAIN?!"
• "I can't sell the hooker."
• "I thought that said '54 people died today'."
• "Mr. Deering, shoot this person." [shoots electrician instead of target] "NO! You missed!"
• "Twenty thousand dollars in fines in less than fifteen minutes..."
• "I'm turning this into a fucking Chuck E Cheese right now."
• "A clown convention! No, don't shoot anybody!"
• "I so badly wanted to kill that chef, that chef just fucked it all up for me."

• "I'm probably part plant, yeah."
• "Where we left off, there was a problem... there was a problem with one of my chefs. Ah, I got rid of him. He was removed from the company. There was a problem with the doorman, he was also removed from the company..."
• "This is a no longer a puke casino."
• "Every time I shoot somebody I lose a hour of progress."
• "... and four people were killed!"
• "The only thing keeping us in the green right now is the porn enthusiasm."
• "Oh shit, a biker fight!"
• "I'll be able to finally afford... Slot's of Cheese. Slotsacheese! As I can't wait to afford it."
• (laughing) "Oh no, another fire at Pasta Italiano! Can you imagine?"
• "Can you imagine eating at Pasta Italiano when there's a fire once every four days?"
• "Hippies love porn, don't they?"
• ["I NEED A NEW TRAILER"] "Okay, yes, we're gonna get you that trailer..." [leads NPC into the basement] ... "Get in there and stop being so fucked up!"
• [trying to find a certain image] "Oh this one's disgusting. No no, I don't like this one, I don't want it on the screen for more than three hours!"
• "Should I just send ten prostitutes to Pasta Italiano?"
• (reading chat) "Send a hitman to Pasta Italiano? For what...? (laughing)"
• "'Hey. Jimmie the Fish sends his regards... and the Fish family.'" [sets off bomb in Pasta Italiano]
• "And a clown convention starts in a couple days, perfect timing."
• "STOP saying Chuck E Cheese!"
• [reading donation] "'Jerma, why would you send an arsonist to burn down Vinny's restaurant?'"
• "What does anything even look like?"
• "Welcome to... Lotsa, Lotsa Fun!"
• [another fire at Pasta Italiano] "I should just send a hitman over here and shoot him-- oh, don't need to, he's dead. He's going down with the ship at Pasta Italiano."
• (reading chat) "'Turn it into Porno Italiano'..."
• "Don't google 'how do I get a hitman'... (laughing)"
• [sending multiple hitmen to Pasta Italiano] "Don't turn this into a RTS..."
• ["One of your staff just died."] "(laughing) Who's that... (screams) What's happening?!" ["Staff is asking for a raise!"]
• "Who was the old guy shooting people in my new family friendly place?!"
• "Let me see the fetish convention first, I think that's important."

• "We're at the bottom end of the popsicle sticks for the double popsicles. I wish I had one. Do they even still make those? I fucking want one."
• "I thought that said 'fuck you'."
• "So this is like bacteria? They just build?"
• "Ban that person. For life."
• "I'm a begging e-clown!"
• "What the fuck are you talking about? City budget for 2020?"
• "Oh you motherfucker, this needs electricity."
• [laying down roads] "I'm writing a big F! For FUCK YOU!"
• "I could be your dad. Possibly. ... no, there's no chance that I'm your dad. I'm 90%... I'm 100% sure."
• "Who are you, why the fuck are you leaving? An oil truck? Get back here, we need that!!"
• "What do you sell here? Unicorn jewelry?! ... unicorn jewelry."
• "Where's the Simpson house? Where's Homer Simpson?"
• "Should I get a loan to put the Statue of Liberty in the middle of my town?"
• "I'm going to make all taxes 95% for two days and then it goes back to normal."
• "Gonna put a waste management facility right next to your library."
• "I can't be a total fuckface right now."
• "Done! Fuck! No, this sucks!"
• "They're all so stupid! Yeah, he just ran over four people."
• "Ice cube factory?! We don't need this!"
• "Why are there no people?" [pans over to a building on fire] "Where are the firefighters?!"
• "It's a little toliet that shoots water up your ass. What?"
• "I don't understand traffic!"
• "All roads need to be septuple lane!" [pans over to the entire forest east of town on fire] "(laughing) What the... where's the fire department?!" [pans over to another part of town on fire] "Oh my god! Wait, why are there fires everywhere?!"
• "There's like three ways into the city! Oh no!"

• "I gotta work on the trash. Forget about the fucking roads."
• "I'm gonna make a new city, I'm gonna make it better this time. This city is FUCKED." ... "Wink Dink City, I dunno, they all started eating one another."
• "It's efficient because everybody is over here and everyone is over there."
• "There's gonna be another roundabout up here... yeah yeah yeah, that'll be sick."
• "This is not real! This is a pretend video game. It's make believe. Just kidding. I'm sucking you all up in a fucking digital vaccuum and you're all gonna live here tomorrow."
• (reading chat) "'You can't refund a bridge'."
• "Just make a bunch of expensive shit and then delete it. Here, I'll put like five Statue of Liberties..."
• [meteor strikes the middle of the city] "Okay, that's so fucking unfair!" ... "Why do I feel like one of you guys did that?" ... "Wait, there's a bunch of fires! Where's the fire department?!"
• [looking at another part of the city that's on fire] "Okay. Excuse me. How did this happen?"
• "If you live here, you can never turn left."
• "The lunch ladies cater to your school! With their expertise!"
• "I'm right brained, motherfucker!" ... "I can make up animals in my fuckin' head."
• "The only people at this park are mascots. They're all cartwheeling."
• "Come on in, have some fun, it's your turn! By the way, fuck this ride, I would never get on it."
• "How long does this pendelum ride last? It's been spinning for like three weeks. These people are dead."
• "This game is so much fun, I just... I'm just not capable of doing anything that makes any sense."

• "I had whole milk recently and it really tasted like, I dunno, it tasted like fucking... meat. It was weird. It tasted like meat or beef. I didn't like it."
• "I didn't see this guy. This guy didn't exist."
• "That's kinda creepy. I hate it but I like it."
• "That was so weird. It was like someone magnetized him through the door."
• "Don't put cleaning products in the guy's fucking drink."
• "Okay, guys, I got a... a ma, a... what do you want?"
• "I'm just gonna give you an apple pie and tell ya to leave."
• "Caramel, hazelnut, chocolate-- OOOORGH, throw it away, fuck you! Don't move!"
• "I have a fucking full Resident Evil inventory right now, what is going on here?"
• "Right now, I'm gripping this fucking broom like a baseball bat."
• "You come into a coffee shop and you order a glass of milk. ... what?"
• [watching a van drive away] "Fuckin' wanker."
• (raises fists) "I was like, okay, I'm fucking swinging! I'm fucking... I'm ready to start smashing that thing, like, 'Yo!'..."
• "That was a 'I am ready to punch someone in the face' reaction."
• ["Tonight is your first closing shift."] "Oh god, that's the title."
• "Dude, you...! ... I'm picking up the fucking VHS player. RIP! Off the wall, put this shit fucking here."
• [starts snowing outside] "The fuck is going on?"
• "Ice machine? Shut up!"
• (reading chat) "'Lock the front door, please', I--" [opens door] "Woah! Don't! How do I lock the front door? Do I have to go out there?!"
• "I'm taking this TV out of the fucking wall and I am gonna... overhead throwing it as hard as I fucking can into your head." ... "I gotta get the TV. Fucking, like, Tom and Jerry style cartoon style, it's going over my head and I'm running and throwing it."
• "I think Otto has to go out..." ... "Yeah. He was just bored. Just had a run around."
• "Oh my god, what did you just order at the drive-thru, dude?! You don't order-- one or two... alright, I'll make you an entire steak dinner and like eight drinks, I'll be right back!"
• "Alright, you need a fucking lid, I don't want you to have to carry that--" [ERROR NOISE] "Hey! What?! What are you talking about, it's wrong?!"
• "You want the other one too?! ... yeah, of course you do, you ordered it!"
• [ERROR NOISE] "(mouths the word 'What?!' silently) ... What's happening?" (reading chat) "It's the milk? It's steamed milk, mAANNN!"
• "I have blenders in my fucking inventory."
• "WOOOAH, why is there-- who am I making the coffee for?! Uh, hello, I need to serve the CUSTOMERS...!"
• "Why do I have all these latte stickers?"
• (reading chat) "'How is this haunted?' I'm supposed to be chased by, like, demons... I dunno, and there's a fucking weirdo."
• "Goodbye! I-- ELILILIBLAH, fuck you!!"
• "Screwdriver! I'm stabbin' him!"
• "What do I do with the screwdriver?" [opens door] "OIIIIBBBLLBLBY, why did you open that door?!"
• "Brick?! ... okay, do it, drop it on his head!" ... "I got him! Yes!" ... "I BRICKED the guy. I BRICKED him. ... Dude, I bricked the guy, too. Really?" ... "Give me another brick."
• "Alright, motherfucker, you didn't think I still had a fucking broom?"

• "I'm going to try to be a very good boy. I'm not gonna kill anybody, I'm not gonna hurt anybody..."
• "Aw cool, a fart party!"
• "Oo, a chicken." [kicks chicken] "I didn't want to do that, I wanted to pet it."
• "I just woke up in the town and I'm gonna have a wife immediately?"
• "What am I doing in public?! What am I doing?"
• "Addicted? Yeah, I'm addicted to money."
• "I always start accidently murdering people in towns..."
• "I'm just playing a blacksmithing mini game, I'm not electrocuting your seat!"
• "You want me to leave? Or I can do this..." [arm pumps] ... "You love me! You love me! Alright, take what they have in the fridge, take everything!"
• [to NPC outside his house, 'Manure Manor'] "Are you clapping and saying 'nice'? ...to my wife?!"
• "I'm sorry but I am not going to 'Vortex' the baby."
• "Am I gonna have a new wife? In front of the old new wife?"
• "How many people are in this house looking to get fucking married?!"

• "I'm not naked!"
• "No, no, not in front of the shit statue!"
• "Websites were, like, created in 2013 or something."
• "I shot that guy because he was a dick... I didn't ruin anything, I'm fine!"
• "Can we talk about foam for a second?"
• "I could not drink orange juice for ten straight years."
• "GTA IV ruined everything."
• "Everybody calls me a killer!" [kills enemy]
• "I feel like I'm LARPing right now. I feel like I'm too old for recess."
• "I would rather probably trust the guy with a big beer gut over a guy with a big white beard and a wizard hat on."
• "This is like two and a half years... oh, my wife is DEFINITELY gone now." ... "What's my wife's name?"
• "Everybody just get the fuck out of my life... PERMENANTLY!" [casts a tornado spell] "I'll do it!!" ["Following the death of your wife, a child protection agency has taken custody of your son."]
• "Can't come into my house, see? ... I'm going to bed. Wait, this is not my house!"

• "'Free Tarot Card Reading'?"
• "This looks fucking messed up, what the hell is this?!"
• "People are telling me not to say a certain word..."
• "I'll smash myself through a plate glass window... and show you how HA-HA I really am!!"
• ["walk forward"]
• [kisses Grace] "Wait, what?! What did I just do?! I thought it was, like, 'talk'! This is fucking stupid! I thought it was 'talk'! Alright, I'm gonna go now!"
• "I'm just like throwing shit! Wait, what about your bong?!"
• ["boring house, no VD's"] "No video games!"
• "I just ding dong ditched this guy!"
• ["we have been out of school" "years"]
• "Drop a melon bomb!"
• ["who needs trip, guy canteven"]
• ["shovbe" "shove out wiondow"]
• ["did you go to chuke cheese?"]
• ["you are so observant prick"]
• "I'm gonna be Brad. Baby Brad."
• ["yesh"]
• ["can i go outside with no shoes on"]
• ["wrestrling!!!"]
• "No, he got me! No!" ["wannnnn"] "LEMME BACK IN HERE! Grab him! Alright, how do I go through walls?"
• ["fuck you both"]
• "There is no escaping 'melon'!"
• ["whats with the blue"]

• "You definitely heard that, I just gulped three times!"
• (reading chat) "'Are you wearing a prosthetic nose?'?!"
• "A stone is way less that 14 fucking pounds! A stone is maybe one pound." (reading chat) "'That's a rock.'..."
• ["The four C's of diamond quality are color, cut, carat and what?"] "Quality."
• ["Eric Cartman is a character on which animated TV series?"] "King of the Hill."
• "It's arugula, it has to be, it literally has three of the four same letters." [wrong answer]
• ["Which king had two of his wives executed?"] "When I saw 'which king', the first thing that came to my mind was Burger King, then I read the rest of the question."
• "Everybody, we're gonna re-tile the roof! NO, DON'T CLICK IT!" [wrong answer]
• "The cook named it the sandwich island?! That's a made up question joke from the developers!"
• "I just read that as 'bats in his ass'."
• "Got it. 'Rocking the Red Carpet'. ... I didn't read that in chat."
• "Behind the scenes... OUTTT!!"
• "Behind the scenes... Oootake? What-- how many letters do I fucking have?" ... "What in the name of god is this?!" ... "Behind the scene fooooo-- (laughter)" ["Behind the Scenes Footage"]
• "Turkey beaks!" ["Turkey Jerky"] "... I forgot it was 'Food and Drink'..."
• 'It's me and... joe2?!"
• "A wooden salad bowl!! WOW! I'm better than them! Is it 'woodan' or 'wooden'?!"
• "Betting the... gigi?! Gugu?! The googoo?!" ["Getting the Giggles"] "Betting the giggles?"
• ["Name something you buy that you hope you never have to use."] "A toothbrush!"
• "'One Life to Live"? No, that's not a soap opera, that's the name of my old Team Fortress 2 series!"
• "Fuck your whole family."
• "It didn't say 'What do you put on your balls?'."
• "Wait, counteroffer? Hey, why don't you give me an easy $400k and I'll leave." [Counteroffer Declined.]
• "I'm keeping my case. ... oh, fuck off!"

Sorry for the messy formatting here - lots of brackets and parathesis. Italic brackets are for NPC dialogue, which I included quite a lot of. These NPCs remind me of Oblivion NPCs...

• "Alright, me snapping this guy's neck, is that in sync?"
• "But first, let's make sure he's really fuckin' dead!" [snaps NPC's neck] "That was-- I snapped his neck?!"
• "Snap his neck, make sure he doesn't wake up again! Put him in the recycling bin!"
• "Oh, fuck, I can't poison." [subdues target] "Break his neck!!"
• ["You sick bastard, you just took someone's life!"] "No I didn't! He's still alive! You are BOTH still alive!" [knocks NPC out by smashing him over the head with a fire extingusher]
• "What's this? Rat poison? ... cool."
• "'Crime noticed'? By who? Oh, by the entire room of people."
• "Get in the bathroom! Hide! ... oh shit, I think this is the women's bathroom."
• "Don't do anything stupid." ... "Oh, please give me the statue of Benjamin Franklin." ... [bashes NPC with stone bust] "I mean, that's there for a reason!"
• [bit donation message: "Looks like this mission... is a bust."] [knocks target out by throwing the stone bust at him] "What, he didn't die from that?"
• [Suspicious] "'Hey, wait a minute, he didn't cross his arms! Does anybody know this guy, he didn't have his arms crossed!'"
• [walks in front of bodyguard while crouching] ["Sir! Stop that now!"] "I'm sorry!"
• [throws fire extingusher at bodyguard] [NPC: "I saw that!"]
• [kills NPCs when he's almost done with the level] "No witnesses! Go!" ... "Climb the boxes, they're right in the perfect place for you to climb!" [dies by getting shot at by guards that heard him kill those NPCs] "Oh my fucking GOD!! Why did I fucking DO that?! There was no reason to do that! ... URGGGH!!" ... "Just do it right! Do it right, no more fucking around, I can't help myself!"
• "'Poison ... with rat poison?' Oh, I can do that. ... and now they give me explosives? Are you serious? What are you thinking? Why would you give this to me?" ... [blows up car] "I'm never gonna finish this mission, ever."
• "I'm gonna go rat poison him, we'll complete it by rat poison." ... [after detonating an explosive] "Got him! ... I didn't get him." [dies]
• [dragging NPC down stairs] ["You did it, Mr. Cold Cocker!"] "I did not! This guy's just asleep."
• [after poisoning glass of wine] "Grab that glass of wine." [target walks away] "Oh, no... well, someone's gonna drink that and die."
• "Don't give me a hammer, that's such a bad idea."
• "I just gotta hope that no one comes in and sees these two dead guys."
• [Suspicious] ["I don't like your face!"] "Who are they talking to?"
• "What, I can use the sink?" [turns on sinks which eventually overflow] "Am I just doing like a dumb prank?" [Area Being Investigated] ["You gotta be kidding me!" "Aw no, you gotta be kidding me! This is not happening! What are you, some kinda troublemaker?! Did you do this?!"]
• [sneaks up behind two NPCs talking about the mission's target] ["Must be some kinda psychopath."] [knocks out NPC with a wrench, dies by enemy fire seconds later] "I had to do it, you know I had to!"
• "Can't push him out the window? I can't fucking throw that guy out the window?"
• "No, shit!" ["Drop the syringe!"] "I wanna syringe this guy! How do I syringe him?" ... ["He's probably coked out of his mind."] "You know, you do have one thing right... I AM coked outta my mind! Now let me fucking syringe you!"
• "Can I get in a dress and go onstage?"
• "Hey, what about me?" [walks down the runway] [Found Trespassing]
• "... well, yes, I will take a fire axe." [Crime Noticed] "Dude, really?" [throws axe at waiter that spotted him]
• [Found Tresspassing] "No, fuck, NO!!" [stabs waiter] "(laughing) No! God damn it!" [hides in closet] "God damn it, I can't play Hitman games! I just fucking murder people! I just end up causing so many problems!"
• [after getting shot to death for carrying a fire axe on the runway] "I am just carrying an axe! Is that such a big deal?!" ... "I just wanna throw the axe at someone!"
• "Yes, cheer for me! Alexander the Great, or whoever you think I am."
• "She's taking a selfie, perfect opportunity!" [shoots NPC]
• "What are they doing, are they playing Clash of Clans together?"
• "It goes 'bullet, bullet, choke'."
• "Letter opener? Let's test it." [throws it at NPC's neck, killing him] "Works pretty well."
• "I killed that lady so bad that she sneezed."
• "... minus ninty-five thousand points."
• "Explosive device, you'll never know when you'll need an explosive device..."
• ["Good luck, 47."] [immediately begins punching NPCs] "In the clear!"
• "That was the mayor, I just killed the mayor!"
• "Screwdriver... hammer... oh, shovel! Shovel! Shovel! That, well, now the game really starts."
• "Alright, I'm sorry, throwing a guy into the water is not going to kill him. That's not gonna happen." ... [looking at NPC that drowned] "Why is he sinking?"
• "I don't want to push him off, I want to make him go off. And still kill him."
• "Quick, drown 'em all!"
• "This guy just wanted to enjoy his ice cream and I just broke his back."
• "Can I just step on this guy's head?"
• "This is like the casino times ten. I can't stop." [gets screwdriver out] "You know what I mean? I have to do this. There's-- it's all lined up." [throws screwdriver at NPC, killing him] [Crime Noticed] [Body Found] "I got 'em." ["Are you psycho?! You just killed someone!"]
• [looking at mime NPC] "They put this guy here because they know you're gonna punch him in the face. That's why this guy exists. It's a guy in a funny costume." [gets hammer out] "Like, I'm gonna do this..." [smacks mime in the head with the hammer] "You know what I'm saying? You can't do that." [snaps mime's neck] "Stop..." [puts mime outfit on] "Now I'm the clown!"
• "What are you doing?" [throws scissors at NPC, killing him] "Oh, he was tying his shoe. I thought he was setting up a remote detonator!"
• [kills NPC with scissors] "Is he awake? Did I wake him up?" [dies]
• "Hey you, what are you-- you like sightseein'?!"
• [saves game] [hits NPC with a hammer] [loads game] "I had to get it out of my system. I had to do it. I'm okay now, it's like I just brushed my teeth."
• "I was about to turn around and throw that hammer at that lady. What a mistake that would've been. IWANNAPUSHHERINTHEWELLSOBAD, hold on."
• "This guy is just asleep over here, I wish I could just get rid of him."
• "Don't you know, I'm a detective by day and an archeologist at night. Hey, you know the T-Rex had little arms? You know that he was fifty feet tall? Did you know that the T-Rex... was also known... FOR KILLING OTHER PREY?!" [hits target with shovel]
• "Into the dumpster you go! Yaah, that was fun."
• "I can't blend in as a gardener, I have like a fanny pack."
• "... get the rat poison, turn on the vacuum cleaner..."
• [in containment lab] "A guy just came in here and died. ... They don't have any hazmat suits on--" [another NPC dies] "I, okay, how long do I have to sit here for?"
• "'Hey, did you guys see a psycho in a hazmat suit?!' ... Papa's got a new pair of shoes." [takes fire axe] "Hello my old friend."
• "And that is, ladies and gentlemen, a tactical... ten out of ten stealth mission." [You have been recorded by a security camera.]
• "You can't be serious. Who can I shoot with a cannon?"
• "Alright, so where's this battleaxe that I keep hearing about?"
• "Non-target kill penalty... forty-one times. For future reference... don't snap everybody's neck. You don't have to do that, apparently."

• "I'm not strangling him! I'm just, like, playfully wrestling with him."
• "I know that's a huge problem I have in this game, to not strangle people."
• "Oh, there's a door. There's a door, I can just go in the door. Oh cool. Hi door."
• "I'm gonna be able to get rid of everybody. Watch." [shoots at NPC and misses]
• "That guy died because I blew his eardrums out."
• [crouching down in front of NPCs] [Male NPC: "Hey, you! Please stop."] "That lady can see through my disguise?"
• "Somebody's coming in here. OOOUGHPUTABONGSTANDUP!! HEEEEY"
• "Don't mind me, I'm just poisoning your coffee!"
• [detonates explosive, which shatters a glass cup of coffee] "God damn it, I just did a magic trick! Why did it kill the other guy?"
• "This time, there's gonna be no reason why it won't blow 'em up." [tosses explosive] "I'm gonna blow it the second he walks into the fuckin' room. Here we go, one, two, three." [detonates explosive, which goes off behind the door and misses the NPC] ["No way!"] [Crime Noticed]
• [throws explosive at secretary] [Crime Noticed] "Why did I -- why?" [sets it off]
• [drops all his explosives in a bathroom stall] ... "Someone's gonna have a bad day in that bathroom."
• "Gonna go massage this guy... and then I'm going to stick a wrench... up his ass."
• "I wanted to smash him over the head. ... Everyone's saying 'detonate'? Detonate him. Alright, detonate." [sets off detonator] [Non-Target Killed] "... oh, I killed-- I blew up all the shit in the bathroom."
• "Can I just feed him pills?" [throws coins at target] "'This is a new technique. Just drop coins on you.'"
• "But I'm not supposed to be in here! I'm a guy in a massage outfit."
• "A fucking brick." [Body Found] "Save the game, I have a brick now."
• ["Sir! You are currently trespassing! Remain--"] [gets hit and knocked out by a thrown toy tank] "Get fucking toy tanked."
• "Nice perfectly placed brick! Thank you for the perfect brick!" [knocks out enemy with brick throw]
• "I'm just going to pull the fucking fire alarm, who gives a SHIT."
• "Fuck you!" [sets off explosive, killing target] "I did it! Get in the hole, get in the--- GO, GO, GO!!"
• "That's not a key, that's a wrench. Cool wrench."
• [after using turret gun that killed multiple enemies] "Anybody see a key?! A key?!"
• "Havin' a fuckin' Fourth of July." [sets off explosive(s), killing a enemy] ["Sounds like somebody really wants to get acquainted with us."]
• "I swear to god, if there is a blocked car here... I might shit my pants on camera."
• "It's improving. We're improving. Considering that FORTY-ONE people died the last mission, down to six... we're making progress."
• [shoots random NPC] "Fuck! I'm gonna get zero points!"
• "Ohhhh, I'm definitely pushing him into the piano. Please tell me I can fucking crush him into the piano."
• "Nobody questions the guy with the axe? Why would you?"
• (reading chat) "'Throw the axe in his face'? No, we can't keep doing that!"
• [shoots propane tank, which explodes and kills some NPCs] "(laughing) That was so loud! I'm so sorry!"
• "I thought I was naked for a second."
• "Okay, here we go. Turn it up, blow his face off."
• "Lockpick! Good thing I brought it! ... no I didn't, I brought an explosive."
• "Trespass-- who is she talking to?!"
• "Am I tresspassing here too?! Oh, shit in my pants!"
• "Alright, use the intercom. ... That wasn't an intercom. I just poisoned him and killed him. Okay. Well... swell."
• "She just got swallowed by the pits. (laughing)" ... "I love that it kills her."
• "That wasn't a bad guy but I had to get rid of him."
• "Which one of you look like Sean Rose?" ["Let go of the body!"] "That guy definitely looks like Sean Rose."
• ["That is just dangerous! You can really hurt--"] "Shut up. Give me a 3D print of this guy's face."
• "Did it! ... Hitman crashed! It crashed, game crashed."

• "Shitfaced! I'm tellin' ya, shitfaced!"
• "And here's the thing about pans, you ready for this? Listen to this, this is important."
• "A product like this, I'm just gonna be very honest with you... I support it. Because this just works with any pan, nobody's gonna yell at you, your mom's not gonna be pissed, you're not gonna scratch anything. Look at how much asparagus can fit in that, by the way."
• "Hey, excuse me, I expect a fucking cartoon crunch!"
• "... and I get there, and I put my backpack down..."
• ["I. LOVE. BUTTER!"] "Alright, you don't want your five-year old daughter saying that, by the way."
• "Cheese? Wait, there's more?"
• "Out of the ten we've seen, I've liked that one the moooooost."
• "Yeah, I'm tellin' you, microwaved eggs were a big deal back in the mid-2000's."
• "What's with this, like, war on oil?"
• "Alright, I always overfill-- WHAT THE FUCK! There's nothing in there!"
• "'Hey, roll a burrito, son that's like four years old!'"
• "Presentation wise, everything is like a ham cube."
• "I don't like the dishwasher, I don't like it."
• (reading chat) "'Your dishwasher is fucked up.' ... that's impossible."
• "There are tons of portable grills, there are."
• "I also don't like propane, it scares the shit outta me, because it's a bunch of pressurized gas. You know how I feel about pressurized gas."
• "No no no no, don't tell me! Don't tell me! I don't want to know this insider info! What if I wanna buy shares in Betty Crocker?"
• "I would be surprised if this was $50 to $80 brownie, unless you're at the weed store?!"
• "Everybody back up and everybody shut up for a second."
• "That's a man sized wedding ring."
• "I want to be that weird guy that just like, 'Mmm, it's so fresh! It's delicious! It's better than grandma makes!' I wanna do that so bad, even if it sucks."
• "He's not peeing! This is not real pee! This is edited in piss! Why would your dog be peeing that much?!"
• "I feel like this would blow up my sink! I would be scared!"

• "That sweater is fucking insane. I love it."
• "If you don't understand how to become a human calculator, you're gonna be eating out of a dumpster... tomorrow!"
• "That was a calculator with paper in it."
• "I want to see someone get powerbombed through that table."
• "Did they get that guy in a time machine?"
• "Shubert? Hold on, wait, it's the dog."
• "Woah, look at these financial charts!"
• "Is he eating out of the dog bowl?"
• "The opera lovers' forum!!"
• "Does he-- does he piss on the computer?"
• ["During the next forty minutes, we'll tell you about a 40 MILLION DOLLAR GIVEAWAY!!"] "Wait, what?! What the fuck? (laughing) No way, no way. There's no fucking way!"
• "What is going on? Why is everyone so fucked up?!"
• (clapping) "Oh, wow, the sauce!!"
• "I can literally break a bunch of carrots in my hands. And cabbage."
• "And this motherfucker over here...! You guys need to communicate more."
• "No, stop making food!"
• "They're cooking pasta on the grill?"
• "People are acting like he shit on the couch."
• "Hey, hey, hey hey! ... I use a Bissell."
• "I trust Kathy Mitchell more than congress." ... "Kathy Mitchell will never lead us astray." ... "Ramen apple pie?! ... I trust her. It's just for fun."

• "'Otto' is Otto."
• ["You know when your dogs gets into one of your toys..."] "Wait, what do you mean 'one of your toys'?"
• ["Do a Richard Nixon impression? Sure. (speaks gibberish)"]
• (reading chat) "'You're old.' Yeah! Welcome to how old I am."
• "They should've added Glover. I'll stand by that."
• ["Did the just unconfirm Luigi by putting him in an egg?"]
• (reading chat) "'You have shit takes on everything'. No I don't! What about what I said about peanut butter?!"
• [spills coffee] "Fuck this video, I'm vetoing!"
• "Casino Inc. part two! This is a banger, I know that for a fact!"
• "It's all hitmen -- oh yeah, we were taking out their resturant."
• "Otto has not shown up on screen yet." [Otto appears on screen in his 'OTTO' jacket.] "There he is."
• "I thought this was some big stunt. Woah! I jumped over a thing that was five feet off the ground."
• "Look at how young and handsome... Otto is."
• "I don't just laugh at car crashes, okay?"
• "I have no memory of this. Why?"
• "My hair's permanantly messed up from when I smashed the coffee into the ground."
• [sprays cam with a spray can] "What the fuck is he doing?! That scared the shit out of me and I did it!"
• "This is going to be a rant for sure. Everybody called me an idiot."
• "Ban that person for at least five seconds."
• "Answer the phone, I'm about to word dump soup on you!"
• ["Fuck this. I ain't gonna have somebody else have to run my life, you know what I mean? I'm gonna build my own house, I'm gonna make my own bank, I'm gonna make my own friend. Gonna make my own milk..."] "What the fuck am I talking about?"
• "You just made me stub my toe. I just stubbed my toe right here and it's your fault and I want you banned for at least ten seconds."
• "You better start believin' in ghost stories... because I am a goblin, or whatever."
• ["You wanna fuck with the Byeah's?!"]
• "I am kinda like a gamer Karen, am I?"
• ["You ever tried to catch a mice with your bare hands?"]
• "I can't even hear... 'make a dinosaur out of clay'?"
• "If I can look-- VETO! VETO, VETO, I'M VETOING!!"
• "Was I just asking about what your pregnancy cravings were?! What was I talking about? What is wrong with me?!"
• "I'm not naked, I'm just sunburnt."
• ["What the hell is that, an apple? Shove it up your ass."]
• "Is that a can of EZ Cheese?! What's that can of cheese?!"
• (reading chat) "'You look like you sniff radioactive material.'"
• "What's this OMEGA BIBLE?!"
• "This is a padlock, it's a fucking padlock!"
• "(laughing) Oh no, you guys don't understand, let me explain... this, listen to me, this is really important, I don't know why this is in the room, I have no idea what it's doing in the room, but listen... this is dog vitamins. This is a big pump of Omega 3 for dogs. I dunno if I was eating this, I don't think I was eating this but it's possible, I might have been."

• "This game is actually one of the best ones to come out on Playstation 2."
• (reading chat) "The thumbnail of the stream right now is just a screenshot from the movie?"
• "Aragorn, you don't do shit by the way."
• "Gandalf, can you blow a hole in the wall or something?!"
• "Wait, umm, Frodo's dying." ... "Frodo's fucking gonna die." [Frodo dies.]
• "I'm too small to hit these guys."
• (reading chat) "CCTV angle?! Don't make me laugh! ...This happened outside a fucking 7/11-- oh my god!"
• "Who's left, who's left, is there somebody left?!" [NPC runs past him, screaming and on fire] "...I can't help that person."
• "Even fucking Gandalf can't hit this motherfucker!"
• "I gotta eat a fucking steak after this."
• "How bad is it to breathe in beef jerky?"
• "Here we go again with another doctor bit!"
• "Hold on, have we already been overrun?"
• "How many times have these fucking gold motherfuckers been in my way?"
• "This is not the joke character! This is Gimli! From... wherever he's from, I don't know."
• "Every ladder is back, guys!!"
• "These controls make me want to puke in my mouth."
• "Just sit there and drop anvils!"
• (in Miss Piggy voice) "Kermie..."
• "Every time I swing the axe I give 10 community subs." ... (reading chat) "'He's faking his own hype train'?!"
• "I don't care, I don't care, I have to kill this guy!!!"
• "Fucking Aragorn, fucking ice these motherfuckers! Aragorn, fucking ice these motherfuckers, PLEASE!"
• "Wait, Gimli has a slower run... Gimli is actually a slower character? No, no way, I don't believe that for a second." ... "I swear to god, if it's because Gimli is 7% slower..." ... [playing as Aragorn] "He's WAY faster! He's WAY faster than Gimli! It's not even a fucking contest! You gotta be kidding me, did I seriously just waste all that fucking time because I was playing the character that was a little bit slower than everyone else? Is this the placebo effect?"
• "I don't know what drugs I'm on but this feels different."
• "I've been streaming for eight hours?! Holy shit, I thought it was like four!"
• "Alright, this is the last time we're doing this and then I'm going to shove a pizza into my fucking nose."
• "I'm gonna fuckin' start molting."
• "This is what it looks like when beetles start attacking each other! On National Geographic!"
• "This guy's glued to me like I'm fucking glue!"
• "Gimli, you didn't do shit. Legolas, you didn't do shit."
• "Roger, the people on social media is calling this 'The Battle of Home Depot'!"
• "There are thirteen cars here that are missing doors!"
• "I feel like I'm watching a GIF."
• "I think I just shot Legolas in the face!"
• "I don't feel like I'm Aragorn anymore, I feel like I'm in the dryer!"
• "That was my favorite scene in the Lord of the Rings, where Aragorn fell down every half second. And when he spammed square in the middle of people like this."
• (reading chat) "'Where's Frodo?' I dunno, probably dead."
• "Imagine being the driver for this road trip."

• "If you look up 'freezeria' in the dictionary, is Papa's face gonna be there? It better be."
• "How are there more hair options in Papa's Freezeria then half of the triple-A games that I've ever played?"
• (reading chat) "'The Pringles guy has hair'... oh shit, he does!" ... "I'm thinking of the Monopoly man."
• "I just look like a dickhead! I look like I'm showing up to work pretending to be him!"
• "What kind of person wants garlic on their ice cream?" ... "Oh, it's whipped cream."
• [two peanuts fall off of the cup] "SHIT! How do I clean... I would hate to hear that from the back. 'SHIT!' You just know that's your order."
• "Papa's games are not kids' games. They're incredibly stressful games that require a ton of fucking work and time and thoughts."
• "Should I make a bunch of obstacles so it takes them longer to get to the window?"
• "... mall toy stands that have the back flipping dog and shit..."
• (reading chat) "'Make Miku'... why do you guys want me to put Miku in every single video game?"
• "Wally..."
• "Yeah, I'm the only guy in town that gives you a whole sleeve of Oreos as part of it. By the way, this shit is only fucking four dollars."
• "And you know what? Check this out. Blend the FUCK out of it."
• "Okay, we're gonna make a Mikushake..."
• "People sleep on S'mores so much and it's infuriating to me."
• [placing a flag in his resturant] "Really wack-- yeah. Oh checkpoint, you made it into the restaurant, so here you are, you made it. I think that's a funny, little cute thing to have at the front door. Checkpoint! They walk by it and it goes... brrding!! That should tide them over when they're in a fifty person line..."
• "I'm definitely getting older."
• "Go go go-- NOOOO! Hey, hey, can you come back tomorrow? ... no, honestly, at this point, I have a stuffed squirrel in the back, like a stuffed animal squirrel, and I just run out holding it against my neck like 'GAH! GET THIS SQUIRREL!' and pump like a fucking squirrel like 'YEERYEERYB!' sound effects through the PA."
• (reading chat) "'This guy is stoned.' I am NOT stoned right now. I am fucking fine."
• (trying not to swear for thirty minutes) "What is in this shiiii-- sssstuff?" ... "Holy... smokes! You're not winning. I just wanna make sure you're aware of that. You are not going to win." ... [ringing sounds] "What's happening?! Oh my god, I thought that was the phone, oh shit!"
• "I used to listen to Ghostbusters' theme remixes. That was like my favorite thing." ... (reading chat) "'Play Joel's'?" ... "'There's no milk in my fridge so I get pissed'? Ghostbusters!"
• (doing random sport team shout outs) "All strikes, all strikes! Let's go, go, go!"
• "Quiznos? Man... I heard a sad tale about Quiznos..."
• "I AM the great-grandpa. I AM the secret recipe. You understand?"
• "Clam chowder? F. Fish chowder? A+. Corn chowder? B."
• (reading chat) "'Weekly Dippin' Dots rant'? I feel like this is the first time I've ever spoken about this!"
• "I used to be disgusting at the 'doy-doy-doy'."
• "No, I didn't puke in a Uber! Guys! What're you talking about?!" ... "Where are the customers?!" ... (reading chat) "'No one wants to eat your moldy ice cream'... I don't know how many times I've puked, okay?!" ... (reading chat) "'Imagine walking into a restuarant and the cashier is just rambling about all the times he's puked.'"

• "This music is making me unable to talk."
• (to Otto) "I know you want to run out of here with that chewy..." ... "Your teeth are fucked up! Chew it, you're gonna have fucked up teeth! For the rest of your life!"
• "Otto, come here! So I don't have to get banned from Twitch!"
• "I can stream a dog naked, can't stream me naked, apparently!"
• "I don't want you guys to know my address, we're going to South America."
• "I'm not gonna try to kill anybody-- well, that last part isn't necessarily true."
• "Oh no, this is them saying 'help me', I thought they were doing like a party!"
• "Don't ever zoom in again so that they don't know that, um, I'm a fucking fraud."
• "Who gives a shit about safety problems? Who cares. Just go in the Donkey Kong Country barrels and spin around."
• (reading subscription message) "'Someone help me, he's got me in his attic, I'm living off of Christmas decorations'. YOU GET BACK UP THERE!"
• "This is going to be a snail themed park!"
• "There's also a cannon pointing at ya -- hey, look out for this one!"
• "Let's have you drink a bunch of milk before you get on a roller coaster."
• "Oh shit, I'm minus two dollars this month!"
• "Mass upwards G is 14 G's... what's NASA? What's that machine in NASA and, like, 20 kills you?"
• [places a "Chief Beef" NPC into his park] "Mr. Pancake is going to make his debut. Everyone is going to be so happy."
• "Only 15 G's, is it? Yeah, that's not a big deal at all. (laughing, reading chat) '15 G's is more than enough to crush your head'. I dunno why that's making me laugh."
• "Average guest happiness is declining. Well, if you don't like it, then fuck off."
• "Can you imagine going 130 miles per hour?"
• "One G force is ten pounds? ...Well, look, just, like, wear a vest! Wear a vest, you'll be fine! Just carry a bulletproof vest in with you into the park so that your chest doesn't decompress."
• "I just got mad at a a non-exisiting entity that made this coaster and it was me who made it. What a psycho! What a psycho!"
• "Here's a magic trick for ya. Where did it go?" [deletes roller coaster that he spent more than a half hour making]
• "You wanna go to the bathroom? Right, good luck. There's gonna be fire here too."
• "We're gonna smear butter all over this coaster."
• (reading chat) "'You should sell gravestones at the entrance.'"
• "Two hundred dollars a month to be a toliet dinosaur."
• "What do you mean that there's a lot of vomit inside the park?"

• "Oh wow, this is an old Moses picture! Cool! Wow, old school cool, it's like Moses with a surfboard! What... I can't even comprehend this, it's like my grandmother!"
• "No, when you watch a movie, a guy's face isn't down in the corner! That's not how this works!"
• "Why are you praying to Romeo and Juliet? Did he just put a note on her?"
• "It's just a guy in a gorilla suit! Is it -- no, it's not a real gorilla!"
• "If this is just a elaborate birthday prank, I'm gonna be real upset at this movie."
• "That's some pretty good WWF promo pointing."
• "God, I hope this guy throws the gorilla out the window. I want the gorilla to do at least one full haymaker into someone's face. We have to see that, please. I'll take a frying pan. Let the gorilla hit someone with a frying pan, please?"
• "Don't itch your neck with a gun! Oh my god!"
• "Can't wait for that fucking curtain to open and it's Mario 3."
• "Give me the phone, I'll fucking bash your head in with that phone."
• "This is Dracula. Run his fucking head over. What, and that makes me a psycho?"
• "This guy has no fucking powers. He's just a little odd."
• "Smoking! Everybody smokes! Even the kids!"
• "You know when you drink out of an instrument that you're in an old movie."
• "Mickey Mouse is gonna be sellin' insurance. Just wait."
• "Did he just say, 'God, I wish that was me'?!"
• "This dude is fuckin' hairy!! Woah! Woah. This is a serious woah. What?"

• "This is scary, that's actual electricity."
• "Everybody wore suits and smoked. God, imagine the effort, I wouldn't exist."
• "I don't know how magnifying glasses work, I've never used one."
• "Why is he such a dick, though? I don't understand." ... "He's just evil?"
• "She got out of the AI spawn range and de-aggro'd."
• "That sounded like a DEATH scream."
• "Why are none of them reacting?! REACT HARDER!"
• "Whose hand was that? ... it was a gorilla?"
• "Open up the ACID VAT!" ... "Don't tell me that every death in this movie is gonna be in the acid."
• "It's a wicked shitty skeleton, just push it! It's so fragile! You're not gonna fall in the acid, are you?"
• (reading chat) "The opening sequence is fifteen minutes of driving?!" ... "Holy shit, I thought you were over-exaggerating."
• "Why is he huge? What's going on with his car?"
• "You might as well just thrown an empty Dunkin Donuts container out at the same time, are you serious?"
• "It wasn't even that funny, it was the fucking music!"
• "It's just a dog! What do you mean 'the most vicious animal you've ever seen'?!"
• "Somebody said, 'The couch is wicked dirty'! The couch is wicked dirty! I just processed it! Somebody said that twenty minutes ago!"
• "Is he holding a lightsaber? (laughing) Bear with me for a second, it looks like he has a fucking Luke Skywalker lightsaber!"
• "Put it on times two speed?"
• "It's a wife... war?"
• "And today, in the Jerma Rumble!! The six person Manos... wives fight!"
• "I can't even say anything, this movie is fucking crazy! There's Mario music...?!"
• "And grabbing someone's shirt is apparently killing them, right?"
• "Holy fuck, he tumbled!"
• "Why were they in the shot so-- What the fuck is going-- Whaaa, ha?"

• "People have been waiting for this for a long time. I don't see enough hype in the chat!"
• (reading chat) "'He's gonna rage a lot this stream.' ... what, why, it's the Simpsons! How can you get mad at Homer Simpson?"
• "I'm tryin' to pick up Flanders' fucking toys."
• "I want the pink family donut car."
• "Perfect, he's dead. Yeah, spoiler alert guys, sorry, this is when you kill Smither's best friend Smothers."
• [NPC rolling around in the street afetr being run over] "That guy has low gravity on."
• "I look over at chat and the first thing I see is 'Stop looking at chat'."
• (reading chat) "'Kill Milhouse.'"
• "I still got it, I still got it! Where am I going?!"
• [kicks Mr. Burns] "I thought I just failed the mission."
• "We got, uhhhhh, Krusty the Crab..."
• "It's Lisa, it's Lisa again! Your car's great and you're a great driver."
• "Once you take a bite out of an In 'n Out burger, GOD APPEARS!"
• "Skinner looks like a bird."
• "You guys ever choke on air?"
• "Don't go through the fake shortcut. It's not real."
• "I was trying to drop the car on him. Why am I trying to do that to Milhouse?"
• "No alt tabs, no fucking show dick...! No, we're not doing it! We're playing Simpsons... smash the like button!"
• "I'm normal, okay?! Get outta the way!"
• "No, not Milhouse? Wilhouse? Billhouse? What's that guy's name? Ralph."
• "Yeah, I understand that I am losing to the sedan AI."
• "You know when you go over to the chicken nuggets in the buffet? And there's like 400 chicken nuggets?"
• "Go load up Donkey Kong Country! I guarantee that you'll rage quit after the first level."
• "I can do it with a jump!! BART! WHERE IS HE?! BART?! OHHH!!"
• (reading chat) "'Save Milhouse, kill Milhouse'... why would you even want me to do something like that? Milhouse is a great, great... young lad."
• "That's the first gun that I've seen all game."
• (laughing) "Oh, I just killed Grandpa."
• "I was just let out of a bottle."
• "Is Marge on drugs?"
• "I love the Tom Arnold music. No, wait, that's an actor."
• "If this car explodes I'm turning on the webcam and biting something."
• "He went down this waaaaaaay!"
• "I can't even hear myself dream!"
• "Oh my god... the three motherfucking sedans!"
• "This is a game for... robots! Only!"
• "Get out of the... freakin' god, outta the way!"
• "I'm gonna start making my pancakes in the shape of Homer's ass."
• "I don't care about Homer's feet anymore!"
• "Does anyone else feel like they're flying through space right now-- FUCKING GET OUT OF MY WAY."
• "I'm going to get a tattoo of this game up my ass-- on my ass!"

• "I did the equivalent of lying down on the ground and somebody just slowly running me over with their car. Just very slowly. It was the wheel going up over my back and then all the way across and then over, like the shock absorbers in a car..."
• ["Not the joker, just because your name has arthur in it doesnt make you a fucking cartoon character"]
• "What is Harley Quinn's name? ...oh, it's Harley Quinn."
• [building the house] "It's just the first part! Why is that so funny? (laughing) This isn't even funny!"
• "What are these fucked up end tables?"
• "I'm outta money. I have no more money. People are gonna wash their hands in the sink. I don't have a sink. There's no windows, whatever, too bad."
• "Why is the bathroom the coolest place in the whole house?"
• [npc dog gets stuck in front of a honking car] "Dog, get out of the way! Watch out! What's going on?! The dog won't get out of the way!" [fire starts inside the house] "(laughing) Someboby put it out, quick! The dog...!"
• "Are the animals attracted to the house because of all the junk in there?"
• "She's so desperate for fun that she's burping into the air!"
• [fire spreads inside house] "Where is this skunk?!"
• "Death is in here! Is he okay?!" ... "Fuck Death, who cares! He's alive, he's alive, he's alive. You can't take him!" ... "I wish Death could fuckin' help!"
• "Did the mime just... steal my magic wand machine?"
• "Fuck it, we're skipping work, we're skipping school."
• "Okay, we're going to take this opportunity to clean up the house..." [fire starts inside the house] "Oh my fucking god."
• "Look at my FUCKING BARS!!"
• "Here we are. I don't want anybody else in the house, I don't want any fucking friends, I just want to be me and exist in a cube."
• [dog fights with raccoon outside] "Otto? ... Otto! No! It's Otto! You and I are now best friends. I don't care who's dog you are, throw a party. If that mime shows up, put his head into the garbage disposal."

• (reading chat) "'You ruined an entire family and made a child go insane'... I, no, that's not what happened."
• [taking gift] "Is that for me? Wow!" [throws it in the garbage]
• "SHE'S GONNA GET MY BITCOIN HASH PASSWORD!! GET HER, GET HER!!"
• "Who the fuck is this? 'Claire the Bear'? The fuck, why is he Naruto running?!"
• (as Brian from Family Guy) "IIIIII WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOOOOL!!!!"
• "I'm writing my own fanfic for my own universe."
• "It's a dirty turkey."
• "I'm not gonna kill Mario! No!"
• "Why can I flirt with Peter but I can't flirt with Lois?"
• "What are these dumb games that we are both playing?!"
• (reading chat) "'She tried to combo breaker you.'"
• "Go to work. Where's the car?" [You're Fired!]
• "This is the dumbest video game that I've ever played."
• "'Be Hugged by Lois'? ... Where is Lois? Does she have binoculars?"
• "Don't make her leave-- YOU IDIOT! You stupid idiot!"
• "I'm gonna go gamble for like a hour."
• "This is a poo-poo diarrhea poo-poo game!"
• "If you fuck this up Jeremy, if you reject this, I'm gonna be fucking furious-- I hate this game."
• "Are we in love? Is this how you do it? Is this how you have sex in The Sims?"
• "She goes in for a kiss, she goes for a hug three times, I deny her. I go in for a kiss, she breaks up with me!"
• "I'm not going to school, my house just burned down!!"

• "Apparently to get the Sims 2 to run, you have to go through an entire syllabus."
• "I swear to god I dream about this person all the time."
• "I'll change his name to Rad right now!"
• "I like radishes and, I dunno, I thought it was funny that I had that many on a plate. People were really concerned about that tweet, by the way."
• "I'm not gonna engrave somebody's... stone!"
• "He's sleeping in the graveyard?"
• "Why does fuckin' Dracula have a cell phone number? Why does Thanos have a cell phone?"
• "Who is putting the plates in front of the TV like this?"
• "I almost completed the family challenge in Double Dare!"
• "Everything about this is... crazy. Eating rotten waffles in the bathtub."
• "The TV exploded and made me puke?"
• [fire starts] "Oh, god. ... what happened?"
• "Alright, are we gonna be able to hook up while she's here for the fire?"
• "The philosophy was boring. Alright, why don't I just start crying or something?"
• "He won't stop. He just won't stop exercising."
• "He's playing for the pigeons."
• (reading chat) "'You sound like Homer Simpson today.'"
• "Where's my band?! I'm just playing, fuck 'em."
• "I think I'm in love with a ghost! Is this my weird way of breaking up with her?"
• [repoman enters the house] "I thought that was the baby."
• "He took the wallpaper?! What did he take?" ... "No! Not my bugs! Anything but my bugs!"
• "Burnt Mac-n-Cheese is what we're serving."
• "What's going on with the mobile game shit? Somebody PLEASE explain it to me, what's WRONG with this world?!"
• "Oh shit, I'm gonna miss the birth of my child."
• [baby is on the bathroom floor] "We need to get a crib. Can't I just get, like, a big fuckin' bed? Put the baby in there!"

• "Hopefully I didn't add, like, a sex mod, as a joke for myself."
• "They turn into a N64 polygon."
• "Super popular-- well, it doesn't really matter because a meteor is probably gonna hit their house..."
• "This person was four different people."
• "Oh, shit, this is modded Sims. He actually might kill someone."
• "I don't want to have more than five to ten people..."
• "I thought this said, 'Oreo Flush was just hit by a car.'"
• [making bedrooms] "They're not prison cells! ... it's not a prison!"
• "Wait, does a horse sleep in a bed? Where's the horse bed?"
• "I tried to strike him with lightning, it didn't do anything! I just broke a coke bottle over his head."
• "Get out of my house! How do I call the Grim Reaper?"
• "What the hell was that?! Did he just fart out of his head?"
• "I can't strike anyone with lightning, I'm trying."
• "No, I'm not gonna crack my-- should I twerk?"
• "I wanna do something, I don't want to stay here and chase around a horse."
• "Alright, is it safe to drop a meteor into the ocean?"
• (laughing) "She's smoldering."
• [summons a meteor] "Get out, get out, get out of the house!!"
• [after killing the Grim Reaper] "Now what? Do I mourn Death? High Five Death..."
• "Get me outta here, I'm gonna drop a meteor in a second, I gotta get out of here."
• "Thank god, he made it." [meteor hits cat] "AHHH!! Why did it do that?!"
• "He's in love? Why does this keep happening with firefighters?"
• (reading chat) "'Make the cat kill someone.' Alright."

• "Every single time I play The Sims on screen, a hour goes by, and people start killing each other."
• "I don't need the 'kitten costume' pack!"
• (reading name suggestions from chat) "'Blork Snurggles'?!"
• "I do enjoy the comedic effort put into 'Jerkle Offman'."
• "No, I'm not going to name him 'Stinky Dinky'!"
• "One dog, one dog, no cats, one dog!"
• (selects an Afghan Hound) "It has to be like a STAR WARS LOOKIN' DOG! You know what I mean?"
• "I actually don't like wooden floors. They're so noisy and it's so -- I hate them."
• "I like fuckin' carphets here, just like I like my fuckin' garhlic."
• "I'm a big fan of basic lighting."
• "I don't like ceiling fans. Ceiling fans, they scare me."
• "There are 30,000 people here? ... There is, there's 30-- what are you people doin' here?!"
• "I need a roof, everybody will yell at me if I don't make one..."
• "Have you seen my dog Yodle?"
• "Why did you just empty a whole can of peas-- Who are you? Why are you in my house?"
• "You're a LUNATIC if you bring a bowl of peas to somebody's house!"
• "Am I going to take my clothes off and -- EXCUSE ME?!"
• "I'm gonna practice singing. I'm gonna ruin the whole party."
• "What is going on with people?! You're faced down in the trash!"
• "Nice to meet you. Have you seen my dog?"
• "Okay, I'm glad everybody was here for the quiche!"
• "Santa is in the room, put your phone down!"
• [Santa shoots out confetti.] "I thought he had a gun!! Oh my god, I thought he shot me in the face with a gun!!"
• "Santa, can you get the pizza?"
• "Santa knocked me out!"

• "I AM a youtuber, I was a youtuber for six years!"
• "... okay, so there is autonomy, because this is a Fortnite dance."
• "This is already fucked up, I KNEW that this was gonna happen. I was just about to hit this guy with a car."
• "I can be a... Warcraft warchief. For the horde. Of COURSE I'm quitting that job."
• "Why would I poison the food that I'm about to eat?!"
• "Sitting and eating is kinda annoying to me sometimes."
• "This person knocks on my door, steps in shit outside on my porch, growls at me, starts to turn into a specter, and then starts yelling at my dog?! ... I'm sorry but you're gonna get Metal Gear Solid'ed."
• "Why was I out here swinging my lightsaber around like a fucking dickhead?!"
• "The GeekCon is in-- OHHH!! (pog face)"
• "Santa! Santa is here! He's joining the Hackathon."
• "I think someone else shit their pants, it wasn't me."
• "Oh, this person just walked through a wall. This person might be a... scary person."
• "Stop, just get in the bed, stop shitting your pants!"
• "Hey. ... I already have to apologize. I think I have to apologize to them for inviting them here."
• "Everyone is taking a picture of Death right now."
• [Option: "Enthuse about Crushing the Resistance"] "... I wouldn't open with this."
• "Are we good? I guess we're vibing? I figured it out. I think we settled our differences. Hey, all it takes is an apology and some Fortnite dances."
• [Option: "Slash with Lightsaber"] "I don't care, I have to do it!!" [attacks Santa] "Wait, he's still alive! I was kidding, it was just a joke."
• "I could probably eat the dog food and be healther."
• [backfloating in the ocean during a heavy thunderstorm] "He's not dead, he's fine."
• ["Be careful everyone, this man will attack you!"] "He's talking about me! What?!"
• "I'm poisoning the pufferfish and I'm gonna try to give it to that guy. Not this guy! Wrong guy! Wrong guy!!"
• "There's a fire already? How?"
• "Oh no, he doesn't have a good look..." [Geoffrey Landgraab eats a slice of the poisoned cake.]
• "This party sucks! Oh, is he dead?" [Geoffrey Landgraab dies from poisoning.] "What happened to him?!"
• [the sims at his birthday party are all crying over the dead body of Geoffrey Landgraab] "Is the DJ here yet?"

• "It said, 'Itty-Bitty Jerma985'."
• "I believe that I was about to poison the cake." ... "No one can eat that cake, I don't want anyone to die right now."
• [Birthday Party Unsuccesful] "What?!"
• [Santa dies from eating a slice of poisoned cake.] ... "So I don't get to have a birthday party anymore?"
• [burns a pile of leaves in front of Fortnite dancing sim] "(laughing) That made me happy. She's not going to light on fire, right?"
• "Wait. I came into work, shit my pants, I haven't showered in three days, I haven't slept... and I got promoted. Alright."
• "Okay, I need to have high bars for the neighborhood brawl..."
• "You guys are rooting for this guy to die."
• "A bird feeder party... I mean, we could put a bird feeder in here and just open all the doors and windows..."
• "Why am I... a rejected gangster?"
• "He just held the changer up to him and changed his channel!"
• "Stop looking at the toilet and get over here."
• "I missed the spicy festival for this bullshit."
• "Anybody shows up to my house today gets punched in the face. I know what today is."
• "I'm in a pizza delivery costume."
• "The first punch has been thrown! Good luck to everybody!" ... "Why am I the only person fighting?"
• "Everybody hates me!" [beats up a sim in a bear costume] "Why is nobody stopping me?! Stop me!"
• [kills a sim by shoving a grilled cheese sandwich down their throat] "What?! No! I thought they were going to eat a grilled cheese sandwich and choke on it!"
• "I'm arrested? What am I in jail for?"
• "I'm bringing tofu to a werewolf party."
• "What?! Someone's stabbing me!" ... "They're all cheering!"
• [lying dead on the ground] "Wait, where's that poisoned cake?"
• "I don't understand why I got stabbed."
• [making a werewolf] "This guy looks like he's covered in whipped cream!"
• "'Anthony Gasoline'? No."
• "We're just gonna have a piss bush in the bathroom?"
• [fire starts] "What?! Already?! How does this keep fucking happening?!"
• "Wait, can I piss on the couch?"
• "I look like I belong in a Wallace and Gromit movie. A police cruiser has been dispatched?"
• "This all went off the rails because of the fire in the first ten seconds."

• (reading chat) "'Don't put your drink in the freezer for five minutes, it's gonna explode!' ...What?"
• (reading chat) "'Dude, there aren't two suns'."
• "Okay. So there are boats, and... (laughter) All I know is that I'm right."
• "I want you to look at this."
• "Wait a minute. Are they eating Campbell's soup at a diner?"
• "Dude, these dances! ... Ah yeah, remember when America went to the moon?!"
• "'Look at these celebrities, they eat chips!' Who fucking cares? So do I."
• "Why would you have a hamburger under the tree?" ... "The hamburger looks upside down and right side up at the same time."
• "More food dancing."
• ["Regular or super unleaded?"] "Bob! That's the first thing you ask when the aliens land?!"
• "What is Bob doin' here? ... (laughing) It does look like Trump."
• "Wait a minute. The UFO is coming. It's right here. He made a pact with the aliens."
• "I remember Dennis the Menace! He was actively trying to kill Mr. Wilson?!"
• "You have to take out the fact that he's got a flaming, whatever this is, marshmellow grenade thrown at his head."
• "Whenever I get a lot of food in my throat, I get Tom Hanks voice."
• [Random Elderly Lady: "I am the person who started the rumors about the Kennedy's. And Marilyn Monroe. It was me."]
• "Why were they driving towards a picnic? What?"
• "Harold! Harold!!"
• "Are these drinks? Why would you want to drink this? Are these drinks? ... oh, it's cologne, I thought it was like a coffee drink."
• "Not a single one of these motherfuckers are helping. He's doing everything." ... "And now they're gonna kill him."
• "Those are eyes that have INTENT!"
• "They don't show the part where it's springtime and he fucking melts and he's fucking dead."
• "You would put bacon in the middle of a cake?!"
• "Dry-ass pickles."
• "I wanna arm wrestle this thing."

• "That's not me laughin'. I know it sounds like me but it's not."
• "I would scream at you right now but I need you to trust me."
• "You know when the chapstick comes out, shit's getting real on the screen."
• "They shot--they're shooting him! ... well, it turned out he wasn't the Thing."
• "Kill it! ...Shoot him! (laughing) They were both Things?! What?!" [shoots comrade] "Oh wait, wrong guy!!"
• "I'm getting nerd neck? That's no good."
• "Explain the couch?! I'm a little busy right now!"
• "I would like a little bit more of a positive attitude from you guys instead of 'We're going to die'."
• "I tested him like 45 minutes ago!"
• "I don't have any friends and I have to fight a huge guy?"
• [after comrade turns into a Thing] "When did this happen?! Why does this keep happening to me?!"
• "So what if I do this?" [takes out gun, zooms in on comrade's face and blows his head off]
• "Even the fucking sims get more than a tenth of a second when their kitchen lights on fire."
• [running away from monster] "Please die! Please?" [Game Over]
• "By the way, if you ever design a ship like this, you are fucking stupid."
• "I need one of those rooms with everything in it."
• "The door closed on me and fucking murdered me."
• "I need someone that can summon a fucking spirit, like they do in Final Fantasy!"
• "Alright, I stick the guy with a fucking needle, and I go like this, and all of a sudden I hear this noise --- EEEEYAAAAIEEYAEH!! -- and I hear a BOOM! And I get fucking attacked! In a cutscene!"
• [after viewing JermaThing] "It looks like someone is firing a discombobulator right into my face!"
• "Hi! Um, introduce youself... or don't."
• "I'm getting real sick of the... saloon shootout that is on my ears permanently now."
• "There's a guy in this one. I'm ready, I'm ready to tase him."
• "You just downloaded the whole entire English language in... like 15 seconds."
• "I know you just took a highly explosive grenade in the face, but I need you down here."
• "He didn't even help me-- SHOCK 'EM ALL!"
• "Where are you seeing 'stun grenade'? I have a super, like, nuclear bomb and -- he's not even with me."
• "You beautiful, beautiful, beautiful bastard, get over here."
• "This Thing has, like, five necks!"
• "No, not 'Angry Birds the Movie 2'."
• "(laughing) ... he didn't make it. He was so close."
• [after recieving a very generous donation via stream subs] "How long have I been dead for?!"
• "I hope I can just close the door on him. That sounds terrible, I know, but, c'mon, give me some credit here. I gotta go."
• "He was a good person. ...I don't remember his name."
• "Here, have some ammo. That makes people feel better, right?"
• "I dunno, I'm sad. Next batter!"
• "Oh my god, I FORGOOOOOT!"
• "Did somebody make this area in Mario Maker?"
• "Fire a grenade, let's gooooo now!" [Game Over]
• [Game Over] "I died to steam!"
• "I'm just gonna throw grenades." [Game Over]
• "Okay, if there's a cave up there, I will give you a wink. And say, 'Cool, there's a cave over there'. That's all you're getting."
• (reading chat) "'He doesn't trust us'? No, of course I don't. It's like 40% of people are actively trying to get me to die!"
• "These guys are boneheads."

• "We need a bunch of frame data so there has to be... shit, a lot of stuff flyin' around."
• "Alright, I think we're ready to play True Criiiime! Streets of New York!"
• "Holy shit, we're gonna get the opening cutscene."
• "My kinda game! You just have to press L1!"
• "And we're dropping frames again... I'm about to fucking punch the screen!"
• [does a haymaker] "I can't wait to do that to somebody, in the face."
• "Punch the car!"
• "I killed somebody in the training, okay, that's fine..."

• "... you wake up in your bed and you just scream? I dunno why we do that."
• "jermaEarth has returned from his vacation, so you know he has his sunhat and sunscreen on his nose."
• "Remember how awful it looked last time? That's because we actually, we were in a Playstation 2."
• "I forgot that I broke this guy's neck."
• "Why did that guy have a record scratch?"
• "Yeah! Get killed!!"
• "Who cares if I hit that guy?! That's the AOL Instant Messanger guy!"
• "Time to go undercover and punch!"
• "I was tryin' to break that guy's neck but you can't, apparently."
• "That guy's doing a good impression of me, doing an impression of Vin Diesel."
• "Holy shit, this place is dirty. Wait, was New York always this dirty?! Why is there so much trash everywhere?! It's a trash tornado!" [runs over NPC] "(laughing) Why is it so dirty?!" [runs over another NPC] "This is so distracting." ... "Look, there are even telephone poles that are trashed that are flying around. New York City is not this dirty." [crashes into a car] "Hey!"
• "I can see it on the mini-map, should I be listening to these directions--" [crashes into a car, NPC flies out of the driver's side screaming] "(laughing) You would not have flown out the driver's side window!"
• ["What's the matter, you homophobic or what?"] "Wait, what the fuck are you talkin' about?! I just got out of the car!!"
• "Oh no, the Fat Guy Crews are fighting each other, it's the rival fat gangs!" ... "They have not hit other once. Holy shit, you guys suck."
• [one of the Fat Guys drives off] "Wait, what?! How do I shoot the gun?!" [runs after the car, shooting gun in the air as the Fat Guy drives into a telephone pole]
• "I'm just gonna get in front of the car and fucking shoot."
• "Cuff him!" [throws the Fat Guy down on the ground] "Cuff him!!"
• "Is this guy playing pretend Nintendo?"
• "There's so many fucking... rapid bird snake movements!"
• "This lady's dead, you can't arrest somebody that's dead." [arrests lady] "I guess you can."
• "I don't even want to use the siren, I just want to yell at people out the window." [drives into a car]
• "I just want to give him a friendly nudge." [runs over police officer] "Okay, seriously, why did you get out of the car?!"
• [runs into police cruiser] "I'm just causing problems for the precinct!"
• "He's freaking me out, this fucking tacky tourist!"
• "That guy died! Yeah, he escaped from life!"
• (reading chat) "'The gang saves the day.'"
• "I was trying to break his neck."
• [runs over police officer] "Why are you people doing this?!" [runs over another police officer] "Stop getting out of the car!! They're all dying!"
• "... and then I end up causing a problem and then they -- I break their neck or they get run over by a car."
• "I was trying to drive into that guy and make his life hell."
• "Good cop!"
• "My funny bone just broke right there, like why did I turn into a firework? Somebody shot me out of a cannon!"
• "I'm sure this is a very nice establishment where you sell, uh... broken TVs and, uh... looks like exercise eqiupment but it's not and stereos."
• [driving a fire truck] "Can I spray? I think I can spray the hose." [gunshot] "No, that's the gun."
• "Honest to god, do I have to beat him on the ground until he's dead to arrest him?"
• "There's a vegetarian vandal in here." ... "They've got bats. Fuckin' vegans! Goddamn vegetarians!"
• "Let's get a $20 hot dog to celebrate."
• "This guy has been running around in a circle screaming this whole time."
• "Thank you for your cooperation! The law respects you!" [throws crowbar at TV, breaking it and setting it on fire] "That's not going to explode, is it? Do TVs explode?" ... "Alright, what if I just vandalize the whole place?" [vandalizes the whole place] "Can I get in trouble for this? I'm not gonna get in trouble for this, right?"
• "We're gonna go right to the mission, nothing else." [rear ends motorcycle] "We are gonna run into that guy, though."
• "Is there a T-Rex in Manhattan right now?!"
• "See? Not driving on the wrong side of the road, not driving on the right side of the road, going right in the middle where it's impossible to get into a car accident. This is what speedrunners do."
• "Why are you walking forward?!"
• "This eight grade science experiment, can I get this?"
• "They're playing Monopoly and collecting cans of flammable liquid."
• "Ohh... don't make me have to weave around on a motorcycle... I'm gonna be in a lot of trouble."
• (talking about the high FPS rate) "I think it's pretty fun, actually. It's almost like we're playing the game on hard mode." [rear ends a parked car and drives into a large group of NPCs] ["Oh, you're gonna get my lickin' stick now!!"] "Huh? What's going on? Where am I?"
• "Am I under arrest?!" [kills cop that was shooting at him] "Wh-- We-- What are you doing?! I had to do that."
• "Is that water or weird pavement?"
• ["Mother Ucker!"] "Did he not say the 'F'?"
• [car explodes, killing NPC] "I saw legs and arms... okay, bye."
• "I wish I had grenades right now, I really do."
• [a fight between multiple copies of the same NPC breaks out] "What in the name of god?! Why are there so many people over here? They're all drinking, they're all drunk ladies!"
• "I have no control, it's fake control!" [drives into street light]
• "I want to go into this Thomas Jefferson statue. I'm sorry everybody, this has to happen. I have to go a thousand miles per hour into Thomas Jefferson."
• "What is that thing? What are the ruby slippers over here? I gotta get the ruby slippers. What are these Sonic the Hedgehog power ups?"
• [gets run over by a train] "I thought I was gonna dodge it! Wowie!"
• "This guy's frozen. He's in slow motion." ... "(laughing) Is he doing a bit? Is he doing a joke or he is this old...? You gotta be kidding me. Is he going to die in slow motion? Oh god, I hope so."
• "Hostage situation at the bank!" [reverses and drives over a group of NPCs]
• "You get 10 bad cop points if you hit anybody with a car. That's an intense situation." [almost hits an NPC while driving]
• "I would've loved to use the pizza bomb on other occasions!"
• "No!! God damn it, I was looking at chat and I shot a guy in the head!"
• "That is a LARGE moon."
• "No, I want to sacrifice him!"
• "I don't give a shit about nice cars, I care about pizza bombs."
• ["Slimy bitch!"]
• "Ohhh, there actually is a syringe weapon in the game! Best game ever made."
• "His gun was having Windows errors! Maybe you should get off of XP, buddy!"
• "Is she the... boat?!"
• [holding a severed leg] "Yup. You actually can use people's body parts as weapons." ... "Hey, you wanna get grossed out?!" [throws legs at a group of NPCs]
• "I'm gonna get the bad police boy award and I don't want that!" [runs over two NPCs on the sidewalk]
• [Objective: Defeat Goths] "'Defeat the ghosts'! No, goths."
• "By the way, hold on, I'm curious... what is Fentanyl? Is it a oil for your car?"

• "I may have said that it would be in one day, but remember, I'm in dog years."
• "I apologize in advance, I might be a little eggy today. I just ate four hard boiled eggs."
• "Driving on the right side of the road today! Turning over a new leaf!"
• [shoots bomb] ["Oh my god, NO!!"] ... "(laughing) Nothing about that was cool. ... One person in chat said to do that and I just fucking..."
• "... alright, that lady just turned into a frog, she just got flippers..." ... "You're under arrest for being a fucking mythical creature!"
• "Right here. Fender-bender." [runs over pedestrian]
• "Ohhh, okay, am I gonna go 4 for 3 here?!"
• "'Get ready to meet'-- my life, my life is in danger!!" [gets run over by a taxi cab and dies]
• [after running over two brawling pedestrians and killing them] "I just killed those guys by bumping into them at 5 miles per hour."
• "Oh no, there's no acid to dip somebody in, what's gonna happen now?"
• "Defeated by pressing 'C' against a wall."
• "This isn't a boat, this is a farm! No, this is a warehouse!"
• "I wanna throw something at him but I can't pick up the wrench!"
• "Alright, let's sledgehammer this guy."
• "*screams*" ["Dumbass!"]
• "Okay, give me a second to attack you!"
• "Getting over it-- DON'T! OH MY GOD!!" [dies by rolling off the ledge again] "... the arrest button IS the dive button!"
• "DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW FAST I'M PUSHING THIS?!"
• "This car's amazing." [runs over about six people]
• "So I gotta climb up this wall like my hands are made outta plungers... and now he's dropping a crate on me."
• "No more of this 'Legends of the Hidden Temple' bullshit."
• "... no James Brown jokes, no Michael Jackson references..."
• "Okay, he's fucked up. Good. He's gonna get hit by the train."
• "Sex objects? ... might as well turn them in."
• (reading chat) "'Drive on the street you egg.'"
• "I just got sandwiched by bullets."
• ["I'm gonna shove my laptop up your ass!"]
• "I wonder if I can put this guy in the fire. It's possible, he might be able to be lit on fire."
• "Oh, I think I can scan somebody. Yeah, I'll definitely be able to print someone's face."
• "I am going to bowling ball this guy into the explosives."
• "That guy died after he died."
• "What did I do to him? I just unbuckled his seatbelt and it killed him."
• "Give me a bamboo."
• "I'm stuck in the fucking barrel."
• "If I were a health pack, I would be here -- of course not."
• "I understand that I'm on the wrong side of the road but you don't have to drive your car into mine."
• "Is dad on the mini map?"
• "What?! This guy is running like Luigi!"
• "This is gonna be awesome, I can't wait to make somebody out of a pizza."
• "I can't put him in the freezer."
• "How would you fight over a tip as a waiter?"
• "I could probably cremate somebody. Ohh, that's not cool. I really thought I could -- maybe I can."
• [throws barbell at enemy] "Shit! How did I miss her?!"
• "You take the guy's temperature by slapping his head a few times."
• "They like to blow legs off in this game, I've noticed. Legs come off really quickly. Heads, arms, not so much."
• "I have to play jump rope with this guy?!"
• "Oh my god, I just inhaled all those bullets."

• (reading chat) "'Are you the SUS guy?' Ban that person for at least a week."
• (reading chat) "'Jerma, I don't like the way that my skin feels.' Um, I, I dunno how to answer that question but good luck."
• (reading chat, after talking about Grotto Beasts) "'You're a terrible businessman.' Yeah, well, whatever."
• (reading chat) "'You're built like a shampoo bottle.'"
• "I had a WONDERFUL time, besides shitting my brains out for twelve hours, but hey! Hey! Stuff just happens. Life is gonna throw shit at you and... and you gotta be ready to adapt. You know what I'm saying?" ... (reading chat) "'Did you say that you were shitting for twelve hours?' No, but I did now, so now you know."
• "Is this like an anime? Can I skip the intro or will people get mad at me?"
• [$2,000 - The town of Telford is named after Thomas Telford, who was famous in what field?] "I dunno, I think it's finance because you have like a bunch of money and, like, 'I'M NAMING THIS TOWN AFTER ME. CAUSE I HAVE A SHIT LOAD OF MONEY'. Does that make sense? How long ago was this?" ... "This is only the $2,000 question, this is a disaster!"
• ["C is the right answer. I would stake my life on it!"] [wrong answer] "(laughing) 'Ah, shit! Well. I'm dead!'"
• "How do I have a million points? Did I cheat?! How did I get a million points?" ... "A million neurons!"
• [$2,000 - What name is given to a single gemstone in a piece of jewelry?] "Yeah, put chat in emote only mode so that I can verify that I'm not cheating. It's, uh, singlet." [wrong answer]
• [$1,000 - The names of how many US states begin with the letter 'K'?] "Uh, Kansas, Kentucky ... a lot of states have the letter 'K' in them, like Alaska, Oklahoma, Nebraska, right? I think they're trying to throw you off here." ... "You understand what I'm doing?!"
• [$4,000 - What American drag queen plays the main character in the Netflix series AJ and the Queen?] "I don't think it's Rupaul."
• [$16,000 - In music theory, how many quavars are there in a crotchet?] "We're just playing Mad Libs right now, I don't even know what those two things are."
• [$32,000 - In the 1963 film of the same name, what was "The Pink Panther"?] "The detective. But. It's not the detective, it's the thief." [wrong answer]
• (selecting catagories for the questions asked) "Food. I'll destroy that." ... [$500 - From what Italian city does panettone come? (sic)] "Well, judging by how I just pronounced that name, I definitely don't know who this is. This is the $500 question! A $500 question to me would be, 'Is Thanos purple? Yes, yes, yes, or no.'"
• [$500 - When Grand Moff Tarkin asks Leia where the rebel base is, what is her answer?] "(laughing) I don't know! I like it when Darth Vader is on screen and he has like the lighsaber and he goes MRR-RMM-RMM, I don't fucking know places! I like it when Darth Vader puts his hand up and somebody goes ERGH, ACK! I didn't pay attention to all the other lore." ... [wrong answer] "Dantooine is a real fuckin' place?!"
• [$200 - Confetti is most associated with which event?] "Uhhh, it's not a funeral. Wait, what? Where's a birthday party?" ... "What's hogmanay? Hog man A."
• [$200 - Typically, what shape are samosas?] "Goddamn it, I don't, I don't do shapes. I don't do shapes, guys."
• [$2,000 - What is taffeta?] "... tae-fet-a? ... bread. It's italian bread. Final answer." [wrong answer]
• (reading chat) "'You're a fake sauce fan.'"
• "Take off emote only. What is speculoos?"
• "A crescendo is like a eeeEEEEEEE..."
• [$300 - What is the name of Don Quixote's sidekick?] "Is it Huckleberry Finn?"
• "Oh god damn it, just don't give me multiple choice fucking questions, just ask me."
• "I have never seen anyone beat this, by the way. I have never seen a single human beat this."
• (reading chat) "'Gaga sweep, Gaga sweep.'"
• "I don't work well under trivia pressure."
• "It's so annoying that I don't know this, because I know this."
• (reading chat) "I don't have two brain cells, is that what you said?! No, you said that 'you're losing brain cells'."
• "I dunno, I'm not up on my seven wonders of the world... the only thing I know about seven wonders is that I get a lot of stuff about Egypt in my Youtube shorts."
• [$100 - In which years were the Olympics cancelled because of the Second World War?] "Uhhhh, I mean, it's gotta be here, right?" (selects A. 1932 and 1936) [wrong answer] "I'm gonna uninstall the game. I, I just, I fucked up."
• "... Pippopotamus?"
• "It's the one that's not capitalized, it has to be correct." [wrong answer] "Oh I fucking hate this game."
• (reading chat) "'You should play Wrestling Empire, you're much better at senseless violence.'"
• "Chiropodist?! Isn't a pedicure your fucking toes?!"
• "I would be SUPER stimulated and engaged if this was a slot machine."
• (reading chat) "'Hi Jerma. What the fuck.' I dunno, what's up?"
• "The apple is a citrus fruit."
• "Oohohoayy, the million dollar question-- I just broke my chair."
• [$1,000,000 - In 2020, how many full-length Winnie the Pooh movies had been released?] "Ten?! Ten Winnie the Pooh movies?! There's no way there was ten. Seven. Seven for a million bucks." ... [wrong answer] "Oh my god, that's not the right music."

• "We're both so fucked up right now!"
• "He just threw a bat at my head! That's illegal!"
• "Oh, wait, this is...! Oh... Did I, like, sabotage this guy on a charity event!?"
• That guy already has a grenade in his hand."
• ["Lock the medicine cabinet - Jerma is on the prowl looking for his next fix!"] "THAT'S UNCONFIRMED!" ... "Break the arm, twist it! Come on, hurt 'em! I don't wanna get a drug test!!"
• "I'm takin' the announcer's table."
• "I'm just gonna get the chair and... he's got a mic this time. There's dynamite over there, I'm gonna throw it at him."
• "Who is this mustard guy?"
• "Get the mountie in here!"
• "I'm gonna get pinned and lose here, this is fantastic."
• "Should I let the steroid guy be my manager?"
• "We could've been friends, Shmoke!" [continues to beat Shmoke with a metal stepladder]
• "Oh my god, this is in an octagon!"
• "Time to be the world's shittest ref."
• (reading chat) "'Just take drugs.' I can't take any more drugs, I took drugs a bunch."
• "I don't want to be me this time, I want to be a huge person."
• (reading chat) "'You thanked Terraria like it was a person in the chat'."
• "I want to kick him right in the fucking face."
• "Don't leave. This time I'm gonna kill 'em."
• "No, this is stupid, it's just me waving to the crowd."
• "That guy didn't beat me, I'm still as skilled as I was before. I'm just too heavy to stand on three tables."
• "Let's do like the pregnancy class thing."
• "Somebody sabotaged this guy! With a landmine!"
• ["Shmoke could not be woken from his sleep this morning..."] "Oh, that's not good." ... "I didn't kill him."
• "You know, I'm gonna throw a barbell into the crowd and see what happens."

• "Wait, why does the ref have a bomb?!"
• "I did not kill Shmoe, okay? The last match that me and Shmoe had, I DID beat him over and over again in the head again with a bat. And with a, uh, a garbage can lid. He died two days later. But it said he died of natural causes, it didn't say that he suffered any injuries."
• "What damages? Oh, because I threw the bomb... but the ref had it in his hand, I just took it from him!"
• "I'm so sad that I can't even do the Mr. Satan voice."
• (reading chat) "'Your contract died of natural causes.'"
• "Can, like, adventure capitalists just give MDickie like $60 million dollars?"
• ["Don't forget the chair that you hit me with to win the match!"]
• "I just heard a rib break! Something just broke!" (reading chat) "'I need a more violent finisher'?"
• "I don't CARE about what Crucial Kennedy does."
• "Wait, did they just change my identity or something because I'm the guy who killed like three people in the ring?"
• "You don't belong in here with me, I belong in here with you!"
• "I got the respect of Calvin and Hobbes here or whatever his name is."
• (reading chat) "'Your speciality is murder'. Yeah, and submission moves!"
• "Can I just like challenge him to a fight and kick the shit out of him?"
• "I just got sucked down, I just went down the toliet!"
• "This is just puppies, like a hundred puppies!"
• "Wait, Demento is seriously injured! (laughing)" ... (reading in-game text while laughing) "'Demento sustained an extremely serious injury in that match and was rushed to the hospital, where it's feared he may be paralyzed. His wrestling career is almost certainly over.'"
• "I have so much confidence that I'm going to hurt this guy so it doesn't matter."
• "I don't want to kill somebody." ... "I'm literally going to take this out of your hand and kill you with it."
• "These guys are not gonna get a title shot, I'm sorry. In fact, I'm going to injury this guy 'cause seriously I'm getting sick of it."
• "What's Bobby Hill doin' in here?"
• "You're not a hardcore wrestler, look!" [continues to beat opponent with a steel chair]
• (reading chat) "'People are watching just to see Mr. Satan kill people'. I haven't killed anybody."
• "I dunno, I don't dislike antelopes. ...oh, that's a lot of blood."
• (reading chat) [15+ people fighting in a single room.] "'Is this the union?'?!"
• (laughing) "Ow! Ow! Somebody died!"
• "I don't even understand where that person got that explosive."
• "It's a hair loss match?!" [tables get set on fire]
• "Somebody throw a grenade at him, please!"
• "Actually, I want 60 tables and just a few weapons." ... "I want to stack 10 tables."
• "I swear to god that there's a Snoopy game where you have to hold pizzas like this."

• "This is porn music." [hits the cancel button] "Oh, no! No no no no!"
• (reading chat) "'Why does Don Dweeb have such a huge bulge?' You said it, not me."
• "I could watch stunner... stone cold stunner complilations and I wouldn't get sick of it. It's like a lot of people's pizza. Like, 'I could eat pizza everyday' - I could watch people get stunned everyday."
• "All of his moves should just be him choking people."
• "Oh, no, that's not a random chatter, it's Vargskelethor. That's Joel."
• "Alright, DON'T delete the referee under any circumstance!"
• (reading chat) "'You tanked the company by not reading the manual'!"
• "He's still on me! He's breaking my ankle!" (laughing)
• "Can I lay in the-- why is the bed on fire?!"
• "I love how this is news - 'Don Dweeb got eight hours of comforable sleep today'!"
• "Hotel's right here." [Don Dweeb goes to sleep on the sidewalk outside the hotel.] "No, you idiot. Oh my god..."
• "That guy's just double fisting mics. So what happens if I sleep here?"
• "Yeah, we keep it hardcore." [continues to beat opponent with a barbed wire baseball bat]
• "I'm gonna go into the audience and find like hamburgers and stuff, I'll be back."
• [beating someone up with a large weight] "Oh no, I'm making enemies!"
• "I threw like a fucking cell phone at him!"
• "No, not 'MeStrip'! Why did that autofill?!"
• "No, no fishnets!"
• "I'm gonna kick the shit out of everybody by the way."
• "Do I get popularity points for comin' and causing a fucking ruckus?"
• "ME REFUSE TO PAY INCOME TAX!"
• "I'm just ruining careers at this point."
• "This doctor always has a briefcase and he's always violent."
• "I got beat up backstage by a giant coin! Or whatever that was."
• "This banana is on fire."
• ["We'd make a pretty good team, MeStrip, so how would you like it a regular thing?"] "This is the guy that I've been beating up everyday."
• "Bro! He's trying to kill me! Get 'em! He poisoned me in my sleep! Somebody kill him!"
• "Give me that water you dumbass clown."
• "Why is the ref on fire?"
• "Someone shook my hand and I just hit them with a bat."
• (reading chat) "'Glitter Shitter'."
• "If you get pinned I swear to god I'm going to beat the shit out of you in the parking lot."
• ["Thanks for this hammer, Glitter Sezzer! I know what I am going to do with it..."] "No, that's not yours. Wait, can I have a title match?" [falls asleep in the middle of the road]

• "I can beat up ten goblins, without a doubt. Honestly, it might even be twenty. If there's no weapons involved then I think I'm alright."
• "Oh my god, that's Lionel of the Mountain!"
• "Actually, didn't I beat him with a stick for a while?"
• "Do not hit me with a sledgehammer please. Alright, bedtime."
• [climbs up on announcer's table] "Is there any food?"
• [skateboarding on top of the steel cage] "This is pretty fucking dangerous."
• "I'm going out there with a desk."
• "Alright, my goal is to get something heavy and throw it right in their face at the very beginning. You know what I'm sayin'? Just throw the iPad right directly in their mouth and then instantly first blood." ... "What-- what exploded?! What happened?! What's going on?! The iPad blew up in my face?!"
• "Leave the belt, I have a funeral to go to!"
• "This character is FOUR FEET TALL. I can't do anything!"
• "This is important lore here! I'm about to have a confrontation with my mentor, the person that I took all their clothing from and pretended to be them for the last three weeks.""
• "Somebody said 'Gnatsune Miku'."
• "Holy shit, that train went by FAST!"
• "Oh my god, Miku is so much better than The Gnat. Like a hundred times better."
• "YEAH FUCK YOU BOB!"
• "This game is so, so goofy. It's just a goofy game."
• [beating up someone in first-person view] "I don't know what's happening! I feel like this is mouse POV! I feel like a rodent runnin' around!"
• ["Federico Fisher was found unconsious in the subway..."] "... How long was he lying there? It's been four weeks. ... He was supposed to ref the match that I just ref'd? No way. That's so funny."
• "What do you mean this is 'your seat', it's a wheelchair!"
• "Oh my god, I ruined the funeral! I gotta get out of here!"
• "That guy is really hurt and I didn't do anything. (laughing) I didn't do anything!"
• "Was Hugh Jazz really here? Oh, he was."
• "I feel half the stuff I saw today is in the long term memory. Which is crazy because it was four hours ago."
• "No beer, just water and apples, that's all I want."
• "76%? I'm on steroids."
• [throws microphone at opponent] "How did that miss? You gotta be kiddin' me."
• "So I peed on a water test strip and it said that I had a lot of lead in my piss."
• "Stop telling me to EAT FOOD and leave me alone!" [GAME OVER]
• "I'm obsessed with the subway right now!"
• (reading chat) "'You're literally the Hulk.'" [gets run over by train for the fifth time]